Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
