Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
