you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
