Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
