She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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