I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
