I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
