I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
