You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
