I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
