Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
