All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
