Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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