So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sext me about skeletons
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
