Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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