I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
