sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
