Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
