I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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