He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
