I can text with my tongue
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
