i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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