my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
