I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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