It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
