dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
