i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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