i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Ketchup is God's man juice
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
