Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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