the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
there is puke in my bra ... again
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