This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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