I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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