I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
