I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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