What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
