His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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