ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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