I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
