you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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