I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
