I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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