How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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