we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
