someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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