Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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