Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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