she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Randomize
