My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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