I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
