just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
