I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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