He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
